I am scared.

Surrender your fear. Something will come that is greater than what the fear is trying to protect. Mooji

I am scared.

What does it mean to be scared or to be fearful? To not know what is behind that unopened door begging us to enter through it? Mooji nails it. I know for me – my fear is trying to protect me, but protect me from what?

Perhaps it is my age and I am feeling more mortal now than I did as that twenty-year old who went parachuting with several other university residence friends. Could it be I evaluate the number of good years remaining in a way I didn’t when I was that carefree student and my whole life appeared ahead of me while backpacking in Europe equipped with a pre-paid Eurail pass and American Express Travelers Cheques safely tucked away in my money belt? When the cheques ran out however, I wasn’t so carefree!

That twenty-year old didn’t concern himself with weighty philosophical thoughts of; “Will I be loved or remembered” when I am gone. Nor did I ponder how it would all end. Although, it is somewhat amusing that I write this now at 30,000 feet and undergoing significant turbulence over Thunder Bay – but I digress …

Like you I feel that I have much remaining to accomplish and wonder if time will permit me to do so. No, I am not expecting to build empires, create any wonders of the world or even pen an international best seller but the latter objective would be nice to see to fruition. Nevertheless, I feel there is unfinished business.

Thankfully, I successfully closed off a once painful chapter in my life. I ended a bitter forty-two year estrangement from my father a mere five months prior to his passing – see #whenwallsbecomebridges. Still, as I reflect now, that was too short a time in a feeble attempt to compress forty-two years into five months. But I am deeply grateful for those final five months.

How many other ill feelings exist amongst our fellow travellers – friends or family alike? What other animosities percolate within our very being eating away at our internal peace and serenity? Don’t discount psychological and physiological damage caused by our own self-inflicted: bitterness, smugness, stubbornness or even envy. We have a choice to make the first and numerous additional attempts at reconciliation before that choice is taken away. My ensuing fear however was not that MY choice may be gone, but that the other party’s choice would be – and that is what THEY have to live with forever.

But what if one can surrender that fear as Mooji states? This new belief I try to have in myself has the capability to cast a smile upon my face and warmth through to my soul.

One of the greatest lessons taught to me is of letting go of things not mine to own.

It is drawn from mindfulness and that my responsibilities are not yours or vice versa. Your walls are not my obligation to deconstruct into bridges. They are for you to rectify if you so desire.

Fear is just another wall we erect in our life. Our job is to thwart them and when we successfully do, well, it is joyful and emancipating.

What “will come that is greater than fear” as Mooji’s states? I think it is internal peace. And looking at the following affirmation, who is responsible for our peace? Not a single part of that is dependent upon anyone but oneself.

In the end only three things matter: How much you loved, how much you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you. Buddha

So I do try not to be scared and fearful. I don’t always succeed but the truth of this intention guides me to constantly progress.

2 thoughts on “I am scared.

  1. I’ve purposely accepted every opportunity these last ten years to revisit pain points in my life. Reconciliation isn’t always complete, but the point is you can re-examine it with the benefit of time past and greater wisdom. As my friend Dan Harris wrote in his book, don’t make your goal happiness. Just aim for 10% happier. There’s a much better chance of achieving that.

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